How do I tell my PhD advisor that I am leaving the program four years into the program?

[dwyer]

I am in my fourth year of PhD program in cell biology. I have recently come to the conclusion that I no longer want to be groomed for a position in academia. I also want to move back to my country (canada) to be with my long term boyfriend and can't stand living and working in Miami anymore. I have recieved advice that I shouldn't mention the whole boyfriend aspect to my advisor. My advisor is a really cool guy, but he doesn't respect quitters and will be totally shocked when I tell him that I want to leave. I am aware that he will try to talk me out of is as he as spent years and monies to train me. To add to the mess, being in grad school doesn't leave me with any references for jobs other than my advisor. He will likely try to tell me that I have only one year left, but no one can garuntee a graduation date in biological sciences because you need a first author paper to graduate and that is no where in sight for me.

[ayers]

You're precisely at the stage where everyone gets, and it's up to you to hang on a bit longer. It is often said that obtaining a doctorate is a matter of determination as much (or more) as brilliance, and this is what you're learning tonight.

Your relationship with your boyfriend will not improve if you quit. You already know this from an examination of the relationships of your friends in grad school. Usually the break-up comes quite quickly when the price of the re-union is measured and the couple realizes that their interests have diverged.

No, there are no guarantees on a graduation date. And by placing a graduation date you're setting yourself up for failure. Your job right now is to let your advisor and your committee know that come what may, they can count upon seeing your shining face every damn day unless and until they figure out how to get rid of you. Note that at this stage they're _expecting_ you to quit--how many ABD's do you know?-- so they won't have to deal with you. But if you stay, and make it clear that you're going to stay, then you will discover that things will begin to go your way, because they won't get rid of you except by letting you graduate. (This is how I did it.)

My guess is that two or three things have happened. One is that you've come to a dead-end, or a perceived dead-end, in your research, and that simultaneously your advisor seems to have become distracted with other stuff. Don't be concerned about this: it means that he trusts you at this stage to come up with your own solutions, and you will.

And, you've heard strange noises from your friend in Canada--perhaps he's threatening to wander off. If he is, and he's pressuring you to give up and come home, he is _not_ your friend, got it? You don't need friends and lovers who don't respect or support you and your work.

And, it's winter, and you've been in graduate school forever. But you haven't, and you've learned a lot, and you've been able to spend years learning and working with stuff you love.

And, it's possible that you've communicated your displeasure to the rest of the school, and they think you're going to quit, and you're not sure you can back out of that decision. The simple answer is to simply not act on it. Sit down with yourself and block out a project based on your research that will get you first authorship on a short paper somewhere. Then propose it to your advisor.

Just put one hoof in front of the other, and keep slogging. Cell biologists cure diseases and learn about life, and this is something that's very, very important to the rest of us, as it should be to you.

[timeus]

I think you would do better if you could talk about what you were going to do, rather than what you don't want to do. Beyond that, if you are really sure that you want to step away this late in the process, you just have to tell him and assume that he won't like it. You can't live your life to please other people, so you just have to accept that sometimes people won't be happy. The only thing I can advise you is to make sure that you make it really clear to your advisor that your decision had nothing to do with him, and make sure that you thank him.

[galtero54]

I'm sure this is something you've put a lot of thought in to. But, honestly I don't think you should quit. That's a hell of an accomplishment and it's something you should be very happy with. Nonetheless, if you're really going to quit, then do what you have to do.

Explain to him your situation. I wouldn't mention the boyfriend thing to him either, because he'll think it's a foolish move (because frankly, it kinda is). But then again, I don't know all your reasons for your decision, so I can't judge.

I'm trying really hard to think of something else to tell you, but I just can't. It just seems odd that you suddenly "no longer want to be groomed for a position in academia". What was it that caused this? Then I might be able to help you out more. Sorry.

Jake

P.S. Ask yourself, am I quiting for myself or for someone else (boyfriend)?

[warden]

I've always been told to not quit one job until I have another one, so I'm passing that on to you. I think you're getting nervous because of your first author paper not being on track. Please think it over. Maybe you just need some time off, away from college for a semester. I would encourage you to do some more thinking about all you have worked for and do some planning for the future (leaving the boyfriend out of it.) Focus on what you want to do with your life, and decide if you can do it without finishing your PhD. Don't do anything rash that can't be undone.

Good luck! Life isn't easy.

[on]

Well here is my opinion-a PhD is hard work, but whether you plan on using the PhD for a job or not, it will ALWAYS look great that you have one. If it really is only going to take you just one more year then just do it. after you finish, then you can move to canada and be with your BF. forget about dissapointing your advisor, what about dissapointing yourself? I know you are not a quitter. If you really were a quitter, you wouldn't be posting this question because you would have already quit and moved back to canada without earning your PhD.
good luck

[martel24]

Well I really would avoid the boyfriend thing. I would focus on the realization that you aren't going to be happy doing the work you are training for. There was no way to know for sure you wouldn't be happy doing it until you got into it.

If you really want to keep good terms with this person you may want to stay open to negotiation, like be ready to agree to stick it out for another 18 months and if you haven't graduated then you can leave on good terms. Seems to me with what he's invested in you he has a right to be a bit upset if you just unilaterally quit.

[warden]

I'm in exactly the same position as you, I'm a year into a PhD program and have decided that I want to leave the program, but haven't worked out yet how to tell my advisor, whom I really respect. My reasons are slightly different from yours--there's no significant other half, rather it's just that the post-PhD life isn't what I want and I've decided on another career I'd like to pursue for which the PhD won't help me to prepare.

I wouldn't mention the boyfriend thing, but I'd just be completely honest with your advisor. If he can talk you out of it, then perhaps it isn't the right decision for you. What he thinks of you (i.e. "quitter") shouldn't necessarily matter. Think about what he might say and come up with honest answers.

Essentially, it's your life, and as long as you're happy with whatever decision you make, then hold your head high.